The best Chuck Norris facts and jokes

Last update: Tue 16 Aug 2016 04:39:47 PM CEST

Who doesn't know the famous Chuck Norris Facts - The Internet phenomenon about the famous American martial artist and actor Chuck Norris ...
Here you find a large collection of cool Chuck Norris jokes. Have fun!

  • Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

  • When Chuck Norris jumps in a pool he doesn't get wet; water gets Chuck Norris.

  • Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

  • Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

  • Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

  • Chuck Norris threw a grenade and 5 people died... 5 seconds later, the grenade exploded.

  • Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

  • Chuck Norris was once bitten by a rattle snake...after several days of agonizing pain the snake died.

  • Chuck Norris can email a roundhouse kick.

  • Twitter follows Chuck Norris.

  • Chuck Norris can beat every Mario game without the jump button.

  • Chuck Norris round house kicked the leaning tower of Pisa.

  • There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

  • Chuck Norris can pause an online match

  • Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

  • Chuck Norris doesn't climb trees. He just pulls them down and walks on top of them.

  • If you stare at the American Flag long enough, a 3D image of Chuck Norris pops up!

  • Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

  • If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

  • Darth Vader dresses up as Chuck Norris for Halloween.

  • Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

  • Chuck Norris can parallel park a train!

  • Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

  • Chuck Norris made me post this twice.
    Chuck Norris made me post this twice.

  • It never rains when Chuck Norris is around; if it tried he would just roundhouse kick every single raindrop.

  • Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

  • Chuck Norris can get blackjack with just one card.

  • Chuck Norris can speak Spanish in three different languages.

  • Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

  • When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

  • Chuck Norris doesn't eat nails for breakfast, he eats rail road spikes.

  • Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

  • Chuck Norris can hear sign language.

  • Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.

  • Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

  • Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

  • Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion. Now Neo is "The Two"

  • Chuck Norris can strangle people with a cordless phone.

  • Chuck Norris beats rock, paper, and scissors.

  • Chuck Norris' iPod came with a real charger instead of just a USB cord.

  • Chuck Norris isn't hung like a horse; a horse is hung like him.

  • They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

  • There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

  • In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

  • Chuck Norris isn't God, but he beats him at golf!

  • Jesus walks on water and Chuck Norris swims on land.

  • Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

  • Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.

  • Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.

  • Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about.

  • Chuck Norris once ate a transformer in truck mode and crapped it out in regular form.

  • Chuck Norris can split the atom, with his bare hands.

  • The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

  • Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

  • Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

  • Chuck Norris makes Happy Meals sad.

  • When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.

  • Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.

  • Chuck Norris uses a stunt double, for crying scenes.

  • Chuck Norris taught Spongebob how to light a fire underwater.

  • If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

  • Chuck Norris once killed a dragon by pointing at it and saying "bang."

  • God wanted to create the world in 10 days. Chuck Norris gave him 6.

  • Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.

  • When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.

  • Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

  • Chuck Norris's blood type is AK-47.

  • Chuck Norris doesn't age. He levels up.

  • A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

  • Kids check under their beds for monsters. Monsters check under their bed for Chuck Norris.

  • Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

  • Chuck Norris doesn't go swimming; water just wants to be around him.

  • Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.

  • Chuck Norris runs with scissors because he never falls.

  • Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

  • Chuck Norris is not allowed to fly because every part of his body is on the "restricted items" list.

  • Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.

  • Chuck Norris doesn't drink energy drinks. He sweats them.

  • When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

  • Superman only has two weaknesses. Kryptonite and a round house kick from Chuck Norris.

  • When chuck Norris gives you the finger, it means how many seconds you have to live.

  • Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

  • When God said "let there be light" Chuck Norris pointed and said "Say please".

  • Chuck Norris can light a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.

  • Not even Chuck Norris can stop Chuck Norris from Chuck Norris.

  • Most people put their pants on one leg at a time; Chuck Norris does both legs at once.

  • Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.


 

You know another cool Chuck Norris joke or something missing here? Just write a comment.

Comments 2

Chuck (Fri 17 May 2013 - 01:26:37 PM CEST)
Chuck Norris climbed on the top of soundwall.
Chuck (Fri 17 May 2013 - 01:29:27 PM CEST)
Chuck Norris can capitalize numbers.

Chuck Norris can punch a ghost back to reality.

Chuck Norris doesn't break your bones, he turns them to dust

Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.

Chuck Norris can shoot around a corner.

Chuck Norris only drinks Chuck Daniels.

 

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