Germany jokes

Update: Friday, 26. April

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On this page you find a collection of the best short Germany jokes.

  • "Two Martinis, bitte."
    "Nein, I said TWO!"

  • What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a German? A Beaner-Schnitzel.

  • What lies between fear and sex? Fünf.

  • What does it mean when a cow is nicer than a woman? - You are in Germany!"

  • What do you call a pissed off German? Sauerkraut.

  • After much discussion as to where the capital of the new Germany should be - Bonn or Berlin - a compromise was struck: Paris.

  • The Germans are such a cruel and inhuman race, they have no word for "fluffy."

  • Happiness is a German cook who doesn't.

  • Why do Germans have huge heads? Otherwise the mouth would not fit in.

  • Knock Knock. Who's there? Gestapo. Gestapo who?

  • What does a German politician have in common with a German pornstar's mouth? They're both full of shit.

  • Do you know why Germans build such high-quality products? So they won't have to go around being nice while they fix them.

  • Three guys are debating about which of their languages is the most pleasing to the ear. The Spaniard says: "Consider the word for 'butterfly'. In Spanish, it is pronounced 'Mariposa', a beautiful sounding word." The French man says: "True, but 'Papillion', the French word for butterfly, is even more beautiful." "What's wrong with 'Schmetterling'?" - asks the German.

  • What's the difference between a German and a shopping trolley? A shopping trolley has a mind of its own.

  • Whats the difference between a smart German and a unicorn? Nothing, they're both fictional characters.

  • Why wasn't Jesus born in Germany? He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

  • Have you heard about the new German microwave? It's got ten seats inside.

  • How does every German joke start? By looking over your shoulder.

  • Did you hear about the winner of the German beauty contest? Me neither.

  • How does a German eat mussels? Knock, Knock, Knock... Aufmachen!

  • A German tourist walks into a McDonalds in New York, and orders a beer. The guy in the line behind him immediately tells him: "They don't serve BEER here, you moron!", to which the German replied in astonishment, "You mean you're here for the food?"

  • Why do they bury Germans 20 meters underground? Because deep down they are really nice.

  • Why are there so many tree lined streets and leafy lanes in France? Germans like to march in the shade.

  • What do you call a Blind German? A Not see.

  • How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast? They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.

  • Why do German football players do so well in math? They know how to use their heads.

  • In haven, an English man is responsible for jokes, an Italian for food and a German for order! In hell, the English one is responsible for food, the Italian for oder and German for jokes!

You know you're German when...

  • ... You say "beforeyesterday" and "overtomorrow" instead of "the day before yesterday" and "the day after tomorrow".
  • ... Guys don't have balls, they have eggs.
  • ... You need to read "Brathering" several times, until you understand that it is actually a German word.
  • ... The word "eating" is a noun, a verb and a city.
  • ... You aren't allowed to dance on Karfreitag.
  • ... You have ended an English sentence with "..., or?".
  • ... You already hit the end of the speedometer on the Autobahn.
  • ... You can pronounce "tschechisches Streichholzschächtelchen".
  • ... Your favorite childhood song is about three Chinese with a double bass.
  • ... A "Stulle" isn't the same as a sandwich.
  • ... You're used to saying "It's not your beer!" when someone interferes in other people's affairs.
  • ... You "schunkel" to a catchy song.
  • ... You call a pullover a "Pulli".
  • ... You read "die bitch, die!" but you understand "die bitch, who?"
  • ... You call your cell phone "handy" and a projector "beamer".
  • ... Women cut off mens' ties on Weiberfastnacht.
  • ... You actually understand the lyrics of Rammstein and the double meanings.
  • ... You use "Morgens Aronal" and "Abends Elmex".
  • ... You say "Fritten" or "Pommes" instead of "Fries".
  • ... You expect chocolate in your shoes on December 6th.
  • ... You get ear worms when a song is stuck in your head.
  • ... Un-f*cking-fassbar.
  • ... You know the meaning of "Pullerpause".
  • ... You separate your trash into more than five different bins.
  • ... You eat a cold dinner at 6pm.
  • ... People start talking about Hitler and Hofbräuhaus when you tell them where you're from.
  • ... You were educated about sex by Dr. Sommer.
  • ... A person who is really lucky is a "luck-mushroom".
  • ... Your English is not the yellow from the egg.

You know more Germany jokes? Or funny sayings about the Germans? Just write a comment...

Comments 21

lol (2019-06-09)
fluffy is flaushig in german
Hans (2020-01-24)
Hans told the British visitors: ”My father died in a concentration camp“.
The visitors asked shocked: ”What happened?“
Hans: ”He fell off the watchtower“.
Panda (2021-02-12)
Do the world realy think about us. That we are stupid ?^^`
Mc Lovin (2021-02-13)
What do you call a blind German?
A Not Szee
Schlomo Goldberg (2021-03-11)
Jokes were so funny, they must have been written by someone seeking to crossbreed the 4 year old German kinder riding scooters to school into extinction... the same definition as the UN' term for Genocide.
Latreen Jackson (2021-03-11)
What is the only way a greedy globalist banker tribesman can find his way to into Heaven?... Through the ____
H3llboy (2021-03-12)
fluffy = flauschig
Erin (2021-04-09)
What do you call a constipated German?

Far from poopin
Safa (2021-04-24)
Do the German make jokes about the English?
alibaba (2021-06-10)
any German jokes about the rostbeefs
Kevin (2021-06-15)
And he is writing flauschig wronh
Kathleen (2021-08-29)
When you eat Chinese food an hour later you are hungry. When you eat German food an hour later you are hungry for power.
Aliah (2021-10-23)
"Schmetterling" sounds beautiful... Schmetter, Schmetter, zerschmetter, zerschellen, zerschlagen, schmettert, linguistische, linguistic, lang, Schmetterlingen, Schmetterlinge, Schmetterling.
Not a not see (2022-04-17)
German is a dying language. Nobody wants to speak it. They stopped teaching it in high schools.
Guschdl (2022-06-19)
Fluffy is also "fluffig"
Guschdl (2022-06-19)
alibaba (2021-06-10)
any German jokes about the rostbeefs

No, we think the entire island is a joke. We call them Inselaffen-> island monkeys.
Because Generations of inbreed on an island is what comes out when you look at ze bri'ish.
(Just a common Stereotype here)
joef (2022-06-25)
Why don't they have baseball teams in Germany?
Because they keep sending the pitchers to the showers!
Avila (2023-04-12)
How do you say virgen in German?


(A play on the word 'gesundheit', which is what some Americans say when you one sneezes.)
Me (2023-06-27)
Not a not seen

Have you been to Germany?
Anythingsinister (2023-08-15)
Safa asks earlier in the chat “do the German make jokes about the English?” And I can say we make definitely jokes about the Amis (American people) and their Presspappenwände (Pressed cardboard walls)
thegegner (2024-04-20)
man most are actually true but some dont, bc we germans do indeed have a word for "fluffy"what is fluschig .Anyways we germans are not f**king dumb we know like 30 countrys while fricken americans can do 2 ?so cuss them not us god dammit


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