Germany jokes and jokes about Germans

Last update: Mon 30 Oct 2017 09:45:27 AM CET

On this page you find a collection of the best short Germany jokes.

  • "Two Martinis, bitte."
    "Dry?"
    "Nein, I said TWO!"

  • What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a German? A Beaner-Schnitzel.

  • What lies between fear and sex? Fünf.

  • What does it mean when a cow is nicer than a woman? - You are in Germany!"

  • What do you call a pissed off German? Sauerkraut.

  • After much discussion as to where the capital of the new Germany should be - Bonn or Berlin - a compromise was struck: Paris.

  • The Germans are such a cruel and inhuman race, they have no word for "fluffy."

  • Happiness is a German cook who doesn't.

  • Why do Germans have huge heads? Otherwise the mouth would not fit in.

  • Knock Knock. Who's there? Gestapo. Gestapo who?

  • What does a German politican have in common with a German pornstar's mouth? They're both full of shit.

  • Do you know why Germans build such high-quality products? So they won't have to go around being nice while they fix them.

  • Three guys are debating about which of their languages is the most pleasing to the ear. The Spaniard says: "Consider the word for 'butterfly'. In Spanish, it is pronounced 'Mariposa', a beautiful sounding word." The French man says: "True, but 'Papillion', the French word for butterfly, is even more beautiful." "What's wrong with 'Schmetterling'?" - asks the German.

  • What's the difference between a German and a shopping trolley? A shopping trolley has a mind of its own.

  • Whats the difference between a smart German and a unicorn? Nothing, they're both fictional characters.

  • Why wasn't Jesus born in Germany? He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

  • Have you heard about the new German microwave? It's got ten seats inside.

  • How does every German joke start? By looking over your shoulder.

  • Did you hear about the winner of the German beauty contest? Me neither.

  • How does a German eat mussels? Knock, Knock, Knock... Aufmachen!

  • A German tourist walks into a McDonalds in New York, and orders a beer. The guy in the line behind him immediately tells him: "They don't serve BEER here, you moron!", to which the German replied in astonishment, "You mean you're here for the food?"

  • Why do they bury Germans 20 meters underground? Because deep down they are really nice.

  • Why are there so many tree lined streets and leafy lanes in France? Germans like to march in the shade.

  • What is the difference between the Dresden bombing and Germany's best comedian? Only the first one can make you smile.

  • What do you call a Blind German? A Not see.

  • How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast? They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.

  • Why do German football players do so well in math? They know how to use their heads.

 

You know you're German when...

  • ... You say "beforeyesterday" and "overtomorrow" instead of "the day before yesterday" and "the day after tomorrow".
  • ... Guys don't have balls, they have eggs.
  • ... You need to read "Brathering" several times, until you understand that it is actually a German word.
  • ... The word "eating" is a noun, a verb and a city.
  • ... You aren't allowed to dance on Karfreitag.
  • ... You have ended an English sentence with "..., or?".
  • ... You already hit the end of the speedometer on the Autobahn.
  • ... You can pronounce "tschechisches Streichholzschächtelchen".
  • ... Your favorite childhood song is about three Chinese with a double bass.
  • ... A "Stulle" isn't the same as a sandwich.
  • ... You're used to saying "It's not your beer!" when someone interferes in other people's affairs.
  • ... You "schunkel" to a catchy song.
  • ... You call a pullover a "Pulli".
  • ... You read "die bitch, die!" but you understand "die bitch, who?"
  • ... You call your cell phone "handy" and a projector "beamer".
  • ... Women cut off mens' ties on Weiberfastnacht.
  • ... You actually understand the lyrics of Rammstein and the double meanings.
  • ... You use "Morgens Aronal" and "Abends Elmex".
  • ... You say "Fritten" or "Pommes" instead of "Fries".
  • ... You expect chocolate in your shoes on December 6th.
  • ... You get ear worms when a song is stuck in your head.
  • ... Un-f*cking-fassbar.
  • ... You know the meaning of "Pullerpause".
  • ... You separate your trash into more than five different bins.
  • ... You eat a cold dinner at 6pm.
  • ... People start talking about Hitler and Hofbräuhaus when you tell them where you're from.
  • ... You were educated about sex by Dr. Sommer.
  • ... A person who is really lucky is a "luck-mushroom".

 

You know more Germany jokes? Or funny sayings about the Germans? Just write a comment...

Comments 12

R3rity (Sat 04 Feb 2017 - 02:20:56 AM CET)
Its "schunkel" not "schmunkel"
Krestus (Mon 13 Feb 2017 - 10:29:39 PM CET)
Or you can say “schmunzeln“
CryPTuuNe (Sat 12 Aug 2017 - 01:14:30 AM CEST)
We have a word for fluffy. It is fluffig.
baldev (Sun 13 Aug 2017 - 06:46:25 PM CEST)
Hindi and whatsapp jokes http://www.vrfan.co/
Gast (Sat 28 Oct 2017 - 05:50:31 PM CEST)
"My english is not the yellow from the egg."
Bailey Martin (Mon 04 Dec 2017 - 11:55:26 PM CET)
German jokes are so mean and racist to Germans
A German (Wed 13 Dec 2017 - 09:40:52 PM CET)
Thank you, Bailey Martin.
Michael (Sun 24 Dec 2017 - 11:24:09 AM CET)
I am a german and I did not understood all of these jokes an the most aren't funny... It is not because my englisch is bad. These jokes are bad.
Siggi (Wed 03 Jan 2018 - 10:40:17 AM CET)
I thought they were very funny!
FrauKartoffelklau (Tue 09 Jan 2018 - 10:10:13 AM CET)
Hehe, the joked ARE funny (and mostly true)????

p.s. the name means Mss Potato-steal (hey, ut's not my problem if you can't have an eye on your potatoes.....)
Artur (Mon 22 Jan 2018 - 05:04:57 PM CET)
Michael: You didn't understand them because you are German. Here is another one: "Germany invented a new microwave, has 10 seats" :)
Kladderadatsch (Fri 09 Feb 2018 - 12:49:26 PM CET)
You are German when you only understand trainstation if you don't have a clue

 

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