Germany jokes and jokes about Germans

Last update: Mon 30 Oct 2017 09:45:27 AM CET

On this page you find a collection of the best short Germany jokes.

  • "Two Martinis, bitte."
    "Dry?"
    "Nein, I said TWO!"

  • What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a German? A Beaner-Schnitzel.

  • What lies between fear and sex? Fünf.

  • What does it mean when a cow is nicer than a woman? - You are in Germany!"

  • What do you call a pissed off German? Sauerkraut.

  • After much discussion as to where the capital of the new Germany should be - Bonn or Berlin - a compromise was struck: Paris.

  • The Germans are such a cruel and inhuman race, they have no word for "fluffy."

  • Happiness is a German cook who doesn't.

  • Why do Germans have huge heads? Otherwise the mouth would not fit in.

  • Knock Knock. Who's there? Gestapo. Gestapo who?

  • What does a German politican have in common with a German pornstar's mouth? They're both full of shit.

  • Do you know why Germans build such high-quality products? So they won't have to go around being nice while they fix them.

  • Three guys are debating about which of their languages is the most pleasing to the ear. The Spaniard says: "Consider the word for 'butterfly'. In Spanish, it is pronounced 'Mariposa', a beautiful sounding word." The French man says: "True, but 'Papillion', the French word for butterfly, is even more beautiful." "What's wrong with 'Schmetterling'?" - asks the German.

  • What's the difference between a German and a shopping trolley? A shopping trolley has a mind of its own.

  • Whats the difference between a smart German and a unicorn? Nothing, they're both fictional characters.

  • Why wasn't Jesus born in Germany? He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

  • Have you heard about the new German microwave? It's got ten seats inside.

  • How does every German joke start? By looking over your shoulder.

  • Did you hear about the winner of the German beauty contest? Me neither.

  • How does a German eat mussels? Knock, Knock, Knock... Aufmachen!

  • A German tourist walks into a McDonalds in New York, and orders a beer. The guy in the line behind him immediately tells him: "They don't serve BEER here, you moron!", to which the German replied in astonishment, "You mean you're here for the food?"

  • Why do they bury Germans 20 meters underground? Because deep down they are really nice.

  • Why are there so many tree lined streets and leafy lanes in France? Germans like to march in the shade.

  • What is the difference between the Dresden bombing and Germany's best comedian? Only the first one can make you smile.

  • What do you call a Blind German? A Not see.

  • How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast? They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.

  • Why do German football players do so well in math? They know how to use their heads.

 

You know you're German when...

  • ... You say "beforeyesterday" and "overtomorrow" instead of "the day before yesterday" and "the day after tomorrow".
  • ... Guys don't have balls, they have eggs.
  • ... You need to read "Brathering" several times, until you understand that it is actually a German word.
  • ... The word "eating" is a noun, a verb and a city.
  • ... You aren't allowed to dance on Karfreitag.
  • ... You have ended an English sentence with "..., or?".
  • ... You already hit the end of the speedometer on the Autobahn.
  • ... You can pronounce "tschechisches Streichholzschächtelchen".
  • ... Your favorite childhood song is about three Chinese with a double bass.
  • ... A "Stulle" isn't the same as a sandwich.
  • ... You're used to saying "It's not your beer!" when someone interferes in other people's affairs.
  • ... You "schunkel" to a catchy song.
  • ... You call a pullover a "Pulli".
  • ... You read "die bitch, die!" but you understand "die bitch, who?"
  • ... You call your cell phone "handy" and a projector "beamer".
  • ... Women cut off mens' ties on Weiberfastnacht.
  • ... You actually understand the lyrics of Rammstein and the double meanings.
  • ... You use "Morgens Aronal" and "Abends Elmex".
  • ... You say "Fritten" or "Pommes" instead of "Fries".
  • ... You expect chocolate in your shoes on December 6th.
  • ... You get ear worms when a song is stuck in your head.
  • ... Un-f*cking-fassbar.
  • ... You know the meaning of "Pullerpause".
  • ... You separate your trash into more than five different bins.
  • ... You eat a cold dinner at 6pm.
  • ... People start talking about Hitler and Hofbräuhaus when you tell them where you're from.
  • ... You were educated about sex by Dr. Sommer.
  • ... A person who is really lucky is a "luck-mushroom".

 

You know more Germany jokes? Or funny sayings about the Germans? Just write a comment...

Comments 18

R3rity (Sat 04 Feb 2017 - 02:20:56 AM CET)
Its "schunkel" not "schmunkel"
Krestus (Mon 13 Feb 2017 - 10:29:39 PM CET)
Or you can say “schmunzeln“
CryPTuuNe (Sat 12 Aug 2017 - 01:14:30 AM CEST)
We have a word for fluffy. It is fluffig.
baldev (Sun 13 Aug 2017 - 06:46:25 PM CEST)
Hindi and whatsapp jokes http://www.vrfan.co/
Gast (Sat 28 Oct 2017 - 05:50:31 PM CEST)
"My english is not the yellow from the egg."
Bailey Martin (Mon 04 Dec 2017 - 11:55:26 PM CET)
German jokes are so mean and racist to Germans
A German (Wed 13 Dec 2017 - 09:40:52 PM CET)
Thank you, Bailey Martin.
Michael (Sun 24 Dec 2017 - 11:24:09 AM CET)
I am a german and I did not understood all of these jokes an the most aren't funny... It is not because my englisch is bad. These jokes are bad.
Siggi (Wed 03 Jan 2018 - 10:40:17 AM CET)
I thought they were very funny!
FrauKartoffelklau (Tue 09 Jan 2018 - 10:10:13 AM CET)
Hehe, the joked ARE funny (and mostly true)????

p.s. the name means Mss Potato-steal (hey, ut's not my problem if you can't have an eye on your potatoes.....)
Artur (Mon 22 Jan 2018 - 05:04:57 PM CET)
Michael: You didn't understand them because you are German. Here is another one: "Germany invented a new microwave, has 10 seats" :)
Kladderadatsch (Fri 09 Feb 2018 - 12:49:26 PM CET)
You are German when you only understand trainstation if you don't have a clue
New joke (Sat 05 May 2018 - 02:35:14 AM CEST)
What's the ideas job for a German?... A gas oven repairman.
Frank (Mon 14 May 2018 - 04:27:08 PM CEST)
In haven, an English man is responsible for jokes, an Italian for food and a german for order!

In hell, the english one is responsible for food, the Italian for oder and german for jokes!

One of the greatest jokes I ever heard!????
Karhu (Sat 29 Sep 2018 - 08:34:51 AM CEST)
All germans are heavy on wire!
Svea (Mon 29 Oct 2018 - 05:25:52 PM CET)
The German word for fluffy is flauschig
Lena (Thu 20 Dec 2018 - 04:22:06 PM CET)
I'm German and I think some of these jokes are quite funny, but please do not joke about the Dresden bombing!!! Do some research and make sure that you know how terrible these days were for the German people. Thank you.
Joe (Thu 17 Jan 2019 - 10:31:50 AM CET)
Are this jokes makes no sense , there posted made and posted just from an uneducated dumbass ,

 

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