Germany jokes

Update: Tuesday, 19. March

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On this page you find a collection of the best short Germany jokes.

"Two Martinis, bitte."
"Dry?"
"Nein, I said TWO!"
What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a German? A Beaner-Schnitzel.
What lies between fear and sex? Fünf.
What does it mean when a cow is nicer than a woman? - You are in Germany!"
What do you call a pissed off German? Sauerkraut.
After much discussion as to where the capital of the new Germany should be - Bonn or Berlin - a compromise was struck: Paris.
The Germans are such a cruel and inhuman race, they have no word for "fluffy."
Happiness is a German cook who doesn't.
Why do Germans have huge heads? Otherwise the mouth would not fit in.
Knock Knock. Who's there? Gestapo. Gestapo who?
What does a German politician have in common with a German pornstar's mouth? They're both full of shit.
Do you know why Germans build such high-quality products? So they won't have to go around being nice while they fix them.
Three guys are debating about which of their languages is the most pleasing to the ear. The Spaniard says: "Consider the word for 'butterfly'. In Spanish, it is pronounced 'Mariposa', a beautiful sounding word." The French man says: "True, but 'Papillion', the French word for butterfly, is even more beautiful." "What's wrong with 'Schmetterling'?" - asks the German.
What's the difference between a German and a shopping trolley? A shopping trolley has a mind of its own.
Whats the difference between a smart German and a unicorn? Nothing, they're both fictional characters.
Why wasn't Jesus born in Germany? He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
Have you heard about the new German microwave? It's got ten seats inside.
How does every German joke start? By looking over your shoulder.
Did you hear about the winner of the German beauty contest? Me neither.
How does a German eat mussels? Knock, Knock, Knock... Aufmachen!
A German tourist walks into a McDonalds in New York, and orders a beer. The guy in the line behind him immediately tells him: "They don't serve BEER here, you moron!", to which the German replied in astonishment, "You mean you're here for the food?"
Why do they bury Germans 20 meters underground? Because deep down they are really nice.
Why are there so many tree lined streets and leafy lanes in France? Germans like to march in the shade.
What do you call a Blind German? A Not see.
How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast? They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.
Why do German football players do so well in math? They know how to use their heads.
In haven, an English man is responsible for jokes, an Italian for food and a German for order! In hell, the English one is responsible for food, the Italian for oder and German for jokes!

You know you're German when...

... You say "beforeyesterday" and "overtomorrow" instead of "the day before yesterday" and "the day after tomorrow".
... Guys don't have balls, they have eggs.
... You need to read "Brathering" several times, until you understand that it is actually a German word.
... The word "eating" is a noun, a verb and a city.
... You aren't allowed to dance on Karfreitag.
... You have ended an English sentence with "..., or?".
... You already hit the end of the speedometer on the Autobahn.
... You can pronounce "tschechisches Streichholzschächtelchen".
... Your favorite childhood song is about three Chinese with a double bass.
... A "Stulle" isn't the same as a sandwich.
... You're used to saying "It's not your beer!" when someone interferes in other people's affairs.
... You "schunkel" to a catchy song.
... You call a pullover a "Pulli".
... You read "die bitch, die!" but you understand "die bitch, who?"
... You call your cell phone "handy" and a projector "beamer".
... Women cut off mens' ties on Weiberfastnacht.
... You actually understand the lyrics of Rammstein and the double meanings.
... You use "Morgens Aronal" and "Abends Elmex".
... You say "Fritten" or "Pommes" instead of "Fries".
... You expect chocolate in your shoes on December 6th.
... You get ear worms when a song is stuck in your head.
... Un-f*cking-fassbar.
... You know the meaning of "Pullerpause".
... You separate your trash into more than five different bins.
... You eat a cold dinner at 6pm.
... People start talking about Hitler and Hofbräuhaus when you tell them where you're from.
... You were educated about sex by Dr. Sommer.
... A person who is really lucky is a "luck-mushroom".
... Your English is not the yellow from the egg.

You know more Germany jokes? Or funny sayings about the Germans? Just write a comment...

Comments 20

lol (2019-06-09)
fluffy is flaushig in german

Hans (2020-01-24)
Hans told the British visitors: ”My father died in a concentration camp“.
The visitors asked shocked: ”What happened?“
Hans: ”He fell off the watchtower“.

Panda (2021-02-12)
Do the world realy think about us. That we are stupid ?^^`

Mc Lovin (2021-02-13)
What do you call a blind German?
A Not Szee

Schlomo Goldberg (2021-03-11)
Jokes were so funny, they must have been written by someone seeking to crossbreed the 4 year old German kinder riding scooters to school into extinction... the same definition as the UN' term for Genocide.

Latreen Jackson (2021-03-11)
What is the only way a greedy globalist banker tribesman can find his way to into Heaven?... Through the ____

H3llboy (2021-03-12)
fluffy = flauschig

Erin (2021-04-09)
What do you call a constipated German?

Far from poopin

Safa (2021-04-24)
Do the German make jokes about the English?

alibaba (2021-06-10)
any German jokes about the rostbeefs

Kevin (2021-06-15)
And he is writing flauschig wronh

Kathleen (2021-08-29)
When you eat Chinese food an hour later you are hungry. When you eat German food an hour later you are hungry for power.

Aliah (2021-10-23)
"Schmetterling" sounds beautiful... Schmetter, Schmetter, zerschmetter, zerschellen, zerschlagen, schmettert, linguistische, linguistic, lang, Schmetterlingen, Schmetterlinge, Schmetterling.

Not a not see (2022-04-17)
German is a dying language. Nobody wants to speak it. They stopped teaching it in high schools.

Guschdl (2022-06-19)
Fluffy is also "fluffig"

Guschdl (2022-06-19)
alibaba (2021-06-10)
any German jokes about the rostbeefs

No, we think the entire island is a joke. We call them Inselaffen-> island monkeys.
Because Generations of inbreed on an island is what comes out when you look at ze bri'ish.
(Just a common Stereotype here)

joef (2022-06-25)
Why don't they have baseball teams in Germany?
Because they keep sending the pitchers to the showers!

Avila (2023-04-12)
How do you say virgen in German?

Goes-in-tight.

(A play on the word 'gesundheit', which is what some Americans say when you one sneezes.)

Me (2023-06-27)
Not a not seen

Have you been to Germany?

Anythingsinister (2023-08-15)
Safa asks earlier in the chat “do the German make jokes about the English?” And I can say we make definitely jokes about the Amis (American people) and their Presspappenwände (Pressed cardboard walls)

Germany jokes

You know you're German when...

Comments 20

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