On this page you will find a collection of jokes about lawyers, judges, and legal professionals. The world of law is truly something special, so of course legal jokes deserve their own place in this collection.
Have fun and enjoy the laughs.
A lawyer reads the last will of a wealthy deceased man to the family: “And to Peter, whom I promised to mention in my will:” — “Hello Peter, old friend — warm regards!”
What is the difference between a lawyer and God? God does not think He is a lawyer.
My lawyer told me I had a pretty good case. Which was nice, because before I hired him, it was just a suitcase.
A judge asks, “Order in the court! Order in the court!” The lawyer stands up and says, “Yes, Your Honor, I’ll have the roast beef sandwich.”
A man asks his lawyer, “How much do you charge for answering three simple questions?” The lawyer replies, “Three thousand dollars.” “Isn’t that a bit expensive?” asks the man. “Yes,” says the lawyer, “and what is your third question?”
Client: “If I pay you $5,000, will you answer two questions for me?” Lawyer: “Of course. What’s the second one?”
Judge: “Before I announce the sentence, do you have anything you would like to say?” Defendant: “Yes, Your Honor — I’d really appreciate it if you could work the phrase ‘case dismissed’ into your speech.”
The defense lawyer finishes his passionate closing argument. The judge sighs and says, “If I understood you correctly, counsel, I should not only acquit your client but probably nominate him for sainthood.”
A witness says, “After hearing the defense attorney’s argument, I’m no longer sure my car was stolen. I’m starting to wonder whether I ever owned a car at all.”
A rich woman wanted to take her fortune with her to the grave. She called in her doctor, her lawyer, and her pastor, handing each of them $100,000 and asking them to put it into her coffin when she died. After the funeral, the pastor confessed, “I must admit I only put in $90,000. I used $10,000 for a new altar.” The doctor then said, “I only put in $50,000. I donated the rest to the hospital.” The lawyer looked shocked and replied, “I’m appalled by both of you. I put in a check for the full amount.”
Lawyer to client: “I have good news and bad news.” Client: “What’s the bad news?” Lawyer: “The bad news is that the DNA test says the blood is yours.” Client: “And the good news?” Lawyer: “Your cholesterol is down.”
Why won’t sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.
What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? The lawyer charges more.
What do lawyers use for birth control? Their personalities.
Why did the lawyer bring a ladder to court? Because he wanted to take his case to a higher level.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The vulture waits until you’re dead.
A lawyer’s dog ran away, so he put an ad in the newspaper: “Reward for lost dog.” A friend asked, “Why bother? Lawyers don’t read the newspaper for that.” The lawyer replied, “Exactly. But their clients do.”
“How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?” — “His lips are moving.”
Lawyer: “I’m confident we’ll win this inheritance case.” Client: “Why are you suddenly so sure?” Lawyer: “Because I proposed to the widow yesterday.”
Two old friends meet. “So, how are things?” The lawyer sighs, “I can’t complain.” Then he pauses and adds, “Actually, that’s why business is slow.”
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge. The best lawyer knows the judge’s golf schedule.
Judge: “Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?” Witness: “Yes, but unfortunately my lawyer advised me against it.”
Why did the judge go to art school? Because he wanted to learn how to draw his own conclusions.
A judge asks a witness, “How far were you from the scene of the accident?” “Exactly 14 feet and 3 inches.” “How can you be so precise?” “Because I knew sooner or later some lawyer would ask me.”
Why are lawyers buried 20 feet underground? Because deep down, they’re really nice people.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.
Why did the attorney become a prosecutor? Revenge billing.
Client: “Can I ask you a personal question?” Lawyer: “Sure, as long as you understand the answer will be billed in six-minute increments.”
A legal secretary says, “My boss is so efficient, he can turn a simple contract into a seven-year relationship problem.”
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from the underworld? Another lawyer.
Judge: “Have you ever appeared before me before?” Lawyer: “Not in daylight, Your Honor.”
Why did the juror bring a pencil to court? To draw a verdict.
Attorney to the freshly convicted defendant: “First, let’s serve your life sentence. After that, we’ll discuss the appeal.”
Judge to defendant: “How can you claim you only have one brother when your sister says she has two?”
A fax arrives after the trial: “Justice has prevailed!” The client sends a reply immediately: “File an appeal at once!”
What do lawyers and dentists have in common? They both love filling cavities in your finances.
A good manager finds a solution for every problem. A good lawyer finds a problem for every solution.
Why are lawyers so good at poker? They’ve been bluffing professionally for years.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a broken pencil? The pencil has a point.
During a murder trial, the attorney asks the defendant, “And where were you on the night of November 12th... to February 3rd?”
Why do lawyers wear neckties? To keep the foreskin from crawling up over the face.
Client: “What’s your fee?” Lawyer: “$300 an hour.” Client: “That’s outrageous!” Lawyer: “I agree. Now what’s your next question?”
What’s black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman.
What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association event? The caterer.
Why did the lawyer sleep so well? He had a very strong case... of whiskey.
What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common? You always hear about them, but no one seems to have seen one.
Judge: “Counsel, are you trying to test my patience?” Lawyer: “No, Your Honor. I’m trying to establish it as a fact.”
Why did the legal intern bring a flashlight to work? Because everyone told him the law was full of gray areas.
What’s the difference between an attorney and a bucket of manure? The bucket.
A lawyer tells his hard-of-hearing client, “My fee is two hundred dollars.” The client asks, “Did you say five hundred?” The lawyer shouts back, “No, I said four hundred!”
Why did the judge break up with the prosecutor? There was no evidence of chemistry.
What’s the first thing a lawyer says after being hit by a bus? “I’ll sue.”
Why do judges like clean desks? Because they prefer clear cases.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a leech? After you die, the leech stops sucking your blood.
Client: “Do you think I’ll win?” Lawyer: “Without a doubt.” Client: “No, I mean the case.”
How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.
Why did the lawyer take a pencil to bed? He wanted to draw up his will.
Judge: “This court will now hear your opening statement.” Lawyer: “Thank you, Your Honor. I’d like to begin by objecting to absolutely everything.”
Why do law students take so many notes? So they can later bill clients for remembering them.
What is a lawyer’s favorite drink? Subpoena colada.
Two attorneys are walking down the street. One says, “Let’s be honest with each other.” The other replies, “Okay, then let’s just be friends.”
What’s the difference between a judge and an umpire? One says, “Order!” and the other says, “You’re out!” — but both enjoy ruining someone’s afternoon.
Why are contracts written in tiny print? So the lawyer can truthfully say, “It was all there in black and white.”
What’s a lawyer’s favorite exercise? Running up the bill.
A client says, “I want justice!” The lawyer nods and says, “That’s fine, but my hourly rate is still the same.”
Why did the jurist become a comedian? Because years of legal reasoning had already prepared him for audiences who don’t laugh.
What do you call a lawyer who doesn’t chase ambulances? Retired.
Judge: “Is there any reason you could not serve on this jury?” Prospective juror: “Yes, Your Honor. I don’t want to be judged by people who are too stupid to get out of jury duty.”
Why did the lawyer cross the road? To bill the chicken for the consultation.
What do legal jokes and contracts have in common? The best parts are always in the fine print.
Do you know more legal jokes or jokes about lawyers, judges, attorneys, or other members of the profession? Feel free to share them.