Here you will find a hand-picked collection of funny famous quotes, witty celebrity sayings and humorous words of wisdom. Some quotes are clever, some are brutally honest, and some are so legendary that nobody is completely sure who said them first. That is why uncertain attributions are marked carefully as “attributed” or “often attributed”. Enjoy these funny famous sayings for speeches, cards, social media posts, newsletters or simply for a good laugh.
Note: Famous quotes often travel faster than facts. Wherever a saying is widely circulated but not safely proven, it is listed as “attributed” or “often attributed”.
Funny Famous Quotes About Technology and the Future
Technology has always been a wonderful source of funny famous quotes, especially when experts try to predict tomorrow and tomorrow immediately files a complaint.
When computers prove that humans are still necessary
- Engineer from IBM Advanced Computing Systems Division, 1968, about the microchip – attributed
- "But what is it good for?"
- Dan Rather, CBS television reporter
- To err is human. But to really mess things up, you need a computer.
- Peter Ustinov, British actor and writer, 1921-2004 – attributed
- The last voice you hear before the world explodes will be the voice of an expert saying: "That is technically impossible!"
- Funny technology saying
- A computer saves time the same way a gym membership saves calories: theoretically.
- Modern office proverb
- The cloud is just someone else’s computer wearing a business suit.
- Anonymous software wisdom
- Artificial intelligence is impressive, but artificial patience would be more useful.
- Funny digital quote
- My password is so secure that even I have no idea what it is.
- Anonymous tech support saying
- Restarting the computer is modern magic with a progress bar.
- Funny internet quote
- The internet never forgets, except when you really need the tab you closed yesterday.
- Modern prediction quote
- The future is already here; it is just buffering.
- Anonymous office quote
- Email was invented so meetings could follow you home.
- Funny computer saying
- Computers do exactly what we tell them, which is why they are so dangerous.
- Modern digital proverb
- Before blaming technology, remember: someone had to click "OK".
Funny Famous Quotes About Wisdom, Intelligence and Common Sense
Funny wisdom quotes are perfect when life sounds deep, but the punchline arrives first.
Clever sayings for people who know just enough to be dangerous
- Fernandel, French actor, 1903-1971 – attributed
- He who admits that he is a coward has courage.
- Mark Twain, American writer, 1835-1903 – attributed
- "There is only one problem harder than winning friends: getting rid of them again."
- Albert Einstein, German-American physicist, 1879-1955 – often attributed, uncertain
- "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. But I am not quite sure about the universe."
- Lao Tzu, Chinese philosopher – attributed
- We are responsible not only for what we do, but also for what we do not do.
- René Descartes, French mathematician and philosopher, 1596-1650
- Nothing in the world is distributed as fairly as common sense. Everyone is convinced that they have enough of it.
- Kurt Tucholsky, German writer, 1890-1935
- The advantage of intelligence is that you can pretend to be stupid. The opposite is much more difficult.
- Zarko Petan, Slovenian aphorist – attributed
- It is easier to nod with an empty head.
- Luther Burbank, American botanist, 1849-1926 – attributed
- Those who do not like to think should at least rearrange their prejudices from time to time.
- Funny wisdom saying
- Common sense is like deodorant: the people who need it most rarely use it.
- Anonymous clever quote
- Some people learn from mistakes. Others collect them like loyalty points.
- Modern wisdom proverb
- A wise person knows when to speak. A very wise person knows where the mute button is.
- Funny life quote
- Experience is what you get right after you needed it.
- Anonymous thinking quote
- Thinking before speaking is useful, but it has ruined many excellent arguments.
- Funny famous-style saying
- The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working in the morning and stops when the meeting begins.
- Modern philosopher quote
- To know nothing is human. To explain it confidently is management.
- Anonymous wisdom quote
- If silence is golden, some people are clearly saving for retirement.
- Funny intelligence quote
- Knowledge is power, but Wi-Fi is usually more urgent.
- Everyday philosopher
- Never underestimate stupid ideas. They often have excellent marketing.
Funny Famous Quotes About Politics, Diplomacy and Public Life
Political quotes are especially funny because they often sound like jokes until you check the news.
Diplomacy, power and other complicated hobbies
- Saint-John Perse, French poet and diplomat, 1887-1975 – attributed
- Diplomacy is the art of using a hundred words to hide what could be said in one.
- David Lloyd George, Earl of Dwyfor, British statesman, 1863-1945 – attributed
- "The proof of heroism lies not in winning a battle, but in enduring a defeat."
- Konrad Adenauer, German chancellor, 1876-1967 – attributed
- We all live under the same sky, but we do not all have the same horizon.
- Karll Trinkewitz – attributed
- Criminals sometimes return to the scene of their crime. Politicians get re-elected.
- Funny political saying
- Politics is the art of looking surprised by problems you helped create.
- Anonymous democracy quote
- Democracy means everyone gets a voice, and then everyone complains about the noise.
- Modern political proverb
- A committee is where good ideas go to learn patience.
- Funny public-life quote
- A campaign promise is a wish wearing a necktie.
- Anonymous diplomatic saying
- Diplomacy is saying "interesting idea" when you mean "please stop talking".
- Funny government quote
- Bureaucracy is a machine that turns coffee into paperwork.
- Modern statesman-style quote
- Public service would be easier if the public did not keep asking questions.
- Anonymous politics quote
- In politics, a clear answer is often considered a rookie mistake.
- Funny election saying
- Every election proves that hope is renewable energy.
- Everyday political wisdom
- The shortest distance between two points is rarely approved by the planning committee.
Funny Famous Quotes About Money, Work and Success
These funny quotes about money, business and success are ideal for anyone who has ever worked hard, earned little and still received a motivational email.
Career wisdom with a suspiciously realistic punchline
- Gerhard Uhlenbruck, German immunobiologist – attributed
- It often feels unfair that people with straw in their heads also have money like hay.
- Oscar Wilde, Irish writer, 1854-1900 – attributed
- When I was young, I thought money was the most important thing in life. Now that I am old, I know that it is.
- Michael Schiff, German writer, 1925- – attributed
- A business analysis is an expensive method of having outside experts discover what everyone inside the company has known for twenty years.
- Peter Ustinov, British actor and writer – attributed
- Success sometimes consists in the art of keeping to yourself what you do not know.
- Funny business quote
- Teamwork means never having to take the blame alone.
- Anonymous career saying
- A salary is what companies pay you so your dreams can commute to work.
- Modern office proverb
- Success is 10 percent inspiration, 90 percent pretending the spreadsheet makes sense.
- Funny money quote
- Money cannot buy happiness, but it can buy coffee, which is suspiciously close.
- Anonymous work quote
- The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- Funny productivity saying
- I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
- Modern business wisdom
- A meeting is an event where minutes are kept and hours are lost.
- Anonymous success quote
- Behind every successful person is a long list of emails they have not answered.
- Funny finance saying
- Budgeting is telling your money where to go, then watching it leave anyway.
- Everyday office philosopher
- Hard work pays off later. Procrastination pays off immediately.
Funny Famous Quotes About Film, Television and Show Business
Hollywood and television have produced some of the funniest famous quotes because nobody understands drama better than people who rehearse it professionally.
Stars, screens and the comedy of being watched
- Bette Davis, American actress – attributed
- Television is wonderful. It not only gives you headaches, but also tells you in the commercials which tablets will cure them.
- Alfred Hitchcock, British film director – attributed with variants
- The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
- Anna Magnani, Italian actress, 1908-1973 – attributed
- When men occupy themselves with their heads, it is called thinking. When women do the same, it is called doing their hair.
- Stanislaw Jerzy Lec, Polish aphorist, 1909-1966 – attributed
- Fat people may live shorter lives, but they eat longer.
- Funny TV quote
- Television taught me everything I know about crime, cooking and shouting at sofas.
- Anonymous movie saying
- A film is successful when people forget the popcorn was overpriced.
- Modern celebrity proverb
- Fame is when strangers know your name and your relatives still ask for discounts.
- Funny Hollywood quote
- An actor is someone who can cry on cue and still ask where the catering is.
- Anonymous cinema saying
- The best special effect is still a good story. The second best is a giant explosion.
- Funny streaming quote
- Streaming has solved the problem of choosing a movie by giving us 8,000 more choices.
- Modern entertainment wisdom
- Reality TV proves that reality sometimes needs a scriptwriter.
- Anonymous stage quote
- The show must go on, especially if the tickets are non-refundable.
- Funny film critic saying
- A critic is someone who knows the way but rarely has to drive.
- Everyday showbiz quote
- Behind every glamorous red carpet is someone looking for comfortable shoes.
Funny Famous Quotes About Love, Beauty and Relationships
Love quotes are among the most popular famous sayings, mainly because love is both deeply romantic and occasionally terrible at logistics.
Romance with a sense of humor
- Coco Chanel, French fashion designer – attributed
- Beauty is what women need so that men love them; stupidity is what they need so that they love men.
- Barbra Streisand, American singer and actress – attributed
- Every woman’s dream is to be the dream of a man.
- Woody Allen, American filmmaker – attributed
- Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a Saturday night date.
- Werner Schneider – attributed
- A friend is someone who praises your swimming after you capsized while sailing.
- Italo Svevo, Italian writer – attributed
- The beauty of a woman consists in the degree of desire she awakens in a man.
- Virna Lisi, Italian actress – attributed
- Love is that strange condition which everyone smiles at before they catch it themselves.
- Funny love quote
- Love is sharing your fries and pretending it was your idea.
- Anonymous relationship saying
- Marriage is finding that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Modern romance proverb
- True love is when your partner knows your password and still respects your search history.
- Funny friendship quote
- A good friend helps you move. A great friend helps you move the blame.
- Anonymous beauty saying
- Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but good lighting helps.
- Funny dating quote
- Dating is just job interviewing with better clothes and worse questions.
- Modern love wisdom
- Opposites attract, especially when one person likes planning and the other owns a calendar app they never open.
- Anonymous heart quote
- The heart wants what it wants. The bank account has comments.
- Funny couple saying
- A perfect relationship is two imperfect people blaming the dishwasher together.
- Everyday romance quote
- Love may be blind, but neighbors are not.
Funny Famous Quotes About Science, Questions and Experts
Science quotes become especially funny when the question is brilliant, the answer is risky and the expert has already booked the lecture.
When knowledge meets a punchline
- Robert Koch, German bacteriologist, 1843-1910 – attributed
- The question is so good that I would not like to spoil it with my answer. When a doctor walks behind his patient’s coffin, sometimes the cause really does follow the effect.
- Fernandel, French actor, 1903-1971 – attributed
- No matter what happens, there is always someone who saw it coming.
- Funny expert quote
- An expert is someone who explains tomorrow why yesterday went wrong today.
- Anonymous science saying
- Research is what happens when your first guess files a complaint.
- Modern laboratory proverb
- Never trust an experiment that works perfectly the first time. It is probably hiding something.
- Funny academic quote
- A theory is a beautiful thing until reality asks a follow-up question.
- Anonymous expert wisdom
- The more complicated the chart, the more confident the presenter looks.
- Funny question quote
- There are no stupid questions, but some answers work very hard to qualify.
- Modern scientist saying
- Science is organized curiosity with better coffee.
- Anonymous prediction quote
- Forecasting is easy, as long as nobody checks the forecast later.
- Funny knowledge quote
- Education is learning what you did not know. Wisdom is hiding that fact in meetings.
- Everyday expert quote
- If the manual says "simple", prepare snacks.
Do you know more funny famous quotes, witty celebrity sayings or humorous words of wisdom that should be added to this collection? Then write a comment and share your favorite quote. Whether it is a clever line from a writer, a sarcastic remark from a movie star or a famous saying with a questionable source, the best quotes are the ones that make people smile, think and maybe check the attribution twice.
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