"When the woman comes home tired from work in the evening, you should at least let her clean in peace."
"Divorce has many social advantages: Because let's be honest, without divorce many women would have no income at all."
What is green and smells like pig?
Kermit's middle finger
"We have a great anniversary: 120 years of the telephone. What I asked myself: If the telephone is only 120 years old - what did women do before that?"
"Career men have worse sperm - that was the result of an oral survey among a thousand secretaries."
"International Women's Day - that used to be called spring cleaning."
"Today's big topic: Do gay men live better? We say yes, because they have no women."
"My dear farmers, don't worry! BSE cannot be transmitted through sexual intercourse."
'Franz Beckenbauer got a great gift for his 51st birthday: cigars and a team he can smoke in his pipe.'
'The footballer of the year is Matthias Sammer! Two great results for Borussia Dortmund, because the female footballer of the year turned out to be Andy Möller.'
'Back in the day we also sent parcels: nylon stockings, margarine, ground coffee... And what many people didn't know - the cardboard boxes were then used in the GDR to make the cars.'
'The austerity package went through today. With the so-called chancellor's majority. And because of this slim majority of two kilos or one vote, I'm not sure exactly, everyone had to vote. There were some people who said even Adenauer was spotted.'
'Kohl's sister tells exclusively in Stern magazine about his childhood. Apparently he taught his favourite little rabbit to sit up and beg... But Blüm had been keeping that from us all along!'
'Yesterday there was an earthquake in Saxony-Anhalt. Yes! It was the second worst tremor after the opening of the Aldi supermarket in Magdeburg. Large parts of Saxony-Anhalt were without power for several hours, because the extension cables from Hesse were damaged.'
'Boris Becker strained his Nutella- uh Paella tendon in his right hand. Strained his right hand? That puzzled me - that's normally a condition that predominantly affects singles.'
'Boris Yeltsin has a heart condition and needs surgery. What does "heart condition" actually mean in Russian? I think it's "liver cirrhosis".'
'Claudia Schiffer is shooting her first feature film. Title: "Blackout". For a long time no one knew what to call the film, and then it came about when Claudia was supposed to recite her lines for the first time...'
'When Monica Seles plays, I always turn it up really loud. Because I know the neighbours will say: "Hey, things are really happening over there!"'
'Steffi Graf won 900,000 marks at the US Open - that means 900,000 minus 10 marks, because the tax still has to come off!'
'Why do so many Germans shop in Poland?' 'Simple - they're too stupid to steal!'
'Can you hear what kind of interference we're getting here? That's because we still get our electricity from the former GDR!'
What do you think of Harald Schmidt? Do you like his quotes? Do you know another good joke from Dirty Harry? Feel free to write a short message.