Here you will find a collection of the best and funniest quotes from Stromberg and his colleagues from the TV series. The Stromberg quotes show the special humor of the TV show. Many funny quotes not just for Stromberg fans.
"I always say: the crap changes, but the flies stay the same."
"Missed it, said the rooster - and climbed off the duck."
"Yeah, at first he was making a fuss like the Pope in a brothel, but in the end he agreed."
"You have to strike the customer while he's still hot."
"If you as the boss let one rip here, the works council immediately demands a noise protection wall!"
"I'm the kind of guy who quickly connects with people everywhere. Because I'm just very good with people - women included."
"My patience is slowly starting to mold."
"They X-rayed me too hot as a child."
"As a boss you have to be a whisk. Always whisking, whisking, whisking. Either cake or crap. And when you stop, it's quitting time. That's that. And then the cake batter sticks to you. Or the crap."
"You shouldn't hang your rear end higher than you can crap."
"I'm in favor of clear hierarchies. God didn't say to Moses: 'Here Moses, I've jotted down a few things I'm not too happy about. If you feel like it, take a look.' No, it was: Bam, 10 Commandments! And whoever doesn't comply goes to hell. Done, end of story."
Just because my forehead keeps getting higher doesn't mean I feel like the cemetery gardeners are following me around. On the contrary.
Ulf: Hey Ernie, did you take a crash course in becoming a jerk or what? I actually liked you a lot better as a regular idiot...
"What? Give me a break! If I stopped doing everything I'm not allowed to do, I'd have no sex at all."
"This is calculated so minimally on our end, even the stingiest Scotsman would get weak in the knees."
Stromberg: "Just wanted to see how he's managing without me." Tanja: "Well, basically it's working!" Stromberg: "Yeah, the Russians shot off my grandpa's leg, he walked too, basically, but the question is how?"
"You're only as old as you feel, Tanja."
"Yeah, but life isn't a wish concert! I'd rather be lying in the sun right now or on top of some busty 17-year-old! Instead I'm standing here with you, Ulf."
"I feel like Jesus on Easter Sunday. Everyone had already written him off, and then after three days, what a comeback that nobody saw coming."
When a dwarf buys high heels, he's still a dwarf.
"I support disabled people. One hundred percent, they're practically people too."
"Business is in my blood. You can't learn that sort of thing. Business is a talent, like playing the violin - or breast size in women."
"I'll put it this way: Women are like toothbrushes - useful, important, and so on. But you shouldn't use the same one for too long."
Stromberg about himself: "I'm basically the perfect mix of young but very experienced. In that combination you only find that otherwise on the street corner."
I also look at the death notices in the newspapers by year of birth and I have to say the hits are slowly getting closer.
"Aren't you having the chicken breast? Well, it wouldn't really suit you anyway. I'm not having the oxtail soup either..."
"I only go to the doctor when it's bleeding or rotting."
"He can't even imagine a life outside this box. Out there he'd be like Flipper on shore leave."
"Is this about women's topics? Cake, guys, tampons and stuff?"
Packaging does matter. Wine matures in a barrel, not in a garbage can.
"If you eat the pork now, there'll be no virgins for you in heaven later - that's how it works for you lot, right?"
"I'm sure I'm a red flag for some people in this building, no question, but the bulls all die in the bullfight, the red flag lasts forever."
Stromberg: "Oh crap, what happened to you, Ernie? You look like your own father, but gay."
"The best years come after 45! Same was true for Germany."
Ernie: It's about the results of my working group being implemented, also by YOU... Mr. Stromberg. Stromberg: Ernie? Have you been taking those bull hormones again?
"A formal warning is nothing. I won't go to my grave just because there's a knife in my back."
"If you let people take the butter off your bread, eventually you won't even have the bread anymore."
To Tanja: "But I mean you still have a few good years... I mean before gravity gets to you (glances at her chest)...."
"Problems are like breasts. They're most fun when you grab them!"
"Yeah, but without me there'd be no profit at all... Come on, I'm not going to be the lottery girl here, making the money while the pimps cash in!"
Stromberg in the canteen: "Kids, why does this always take so long? When I joined this queue, I still had a full head of hair."
"Ernie normally looks like scrambled eggs on legs, but with the new clothes...right?"
"Anger is like a flowerpot. The higher it falls from, the more it hurts the one who gets it on the head."
"If Jesus had said right before the crucifixion: nah, forget it, that's not really my thing. Then Easter wouldn't be a public holiday today."
Stromberg: "The sun is shining out of every crack for me - I could vomit confetti."
"If you're already sailing on the Titanic, you might as well put a complete idiot at the wheel."
"Master, I don't know how you used to cook back in East Germany - but that Nazi tone won't get you very far here!"
"Sensitivity is very important as a boss. Especially with employees of the opposite gender. Women, for example."
"...even the rats wear hairnets there."
Lehnhoff: "Why should I do that now?" Stromberg: "Because I said so. That's just how it is. The crap always flows from top to bottom."
Women - on the outside Ms. Merkel, on the inside a little piglet, right?
"My father also lost control of his hand once or twice. One wrong word and the slipper was doing the tango on your backside!"
"Women? They were good for something, I just can't think of what right now!"
Never dip your pen in company ink. Never mess around in your own house.
Come on, drive you idiot!... I mean, when you see how everyone drives, you understand why Germany isn't moving forward... Got your license in a rickshaw or what?
"I'm the kind of guy who quickly connects with people everywhere. Because I'm just very good with people - women included."
"Company parties are like the Last Supper: always too few women, the food is bad, and in the end there's trouble."
"Beauty is often just a question of lights on or lights off."
"Under pressure I'm unbeatable, like Lassie - basically a lapdog, but when things get tight, a fighting dog!"
"Real heroes are always alone. Like Tarzan. He doesn't form a working group first and then grab the vine."
"40... early for...forty-tw... come on, I'll just do it myself, no problem!"
"You are the crown of exhaustion."
"I do it like the good Lord. He... he doesn't show his face that often either, but still has a good image."
Stromberg: "All this equality. But when the ship is sinking, it's 'women and children first'."
"Music like that is normally used to drive junkies away from the main train station."
"I never want to dig a pit for anyone. I might hand them a shovel, but then I have nothing more to do with the rest."
"I think most people are afraid of death because they've heard somewhere that your whole life flashes before your eyes. If I have to watch all of that again, I'd have to say, a lot of it was... uh... not great."
"The average employee is like a prey animal: when there's trouble, they run away and make big eyes."
"In this place they crap on your head and you still say 'thanks for the hat'."
"Working is like sex in marriage: at first you're motivated to the tips of your hair, but after a while you're just glad when it's over."
It is fun when you get washed back up to the top and realize oh, I'm back at the top again. I have to say that.
Boy, what are you? A man or a milk carton?
Ernie: "I think I get along better with female dogs than with real women... females."
"As a boss in my position, you're as lonely as... God."
"The food here is ice cold. I might as well suck on a frozen pizza."
Stromberg to Becker: "Yeah, she probably didn't read the email again. Must have had her bad between-holiday flu again." ... "Then get that done pronto torronto."
"If you realize mid-race that you've backed the wrong horse, or you realize your horse runs on diesel, there's nothing you can do about it. You have to keep going! That's the same principle most marriages run on."
Stromberg about himself: "I'm made up of 90 percent elbows and ten percent heart. And brains of course, another 30, 40 percent. Pushing forward, with charm and smarts."
"Good lord, what a coffee." Wehmeyer: "Would you like a latte macchiato?" Stromberg: "Latte macchiato... that's also Italian for erection, right? Yeah sure, come on, bring me one of those contraptions then."
"If someone gives you a hard time, you have to give it back even harder. Otherwise you'll end up hanging there like Jesus on Good Friday."
"...things are more than bleak for me right now...more like bleakity-bleak."
"The office is like swimming among sharks. You just need to get a nosebleed once and it's all over."
"Well, just between us, he's not exactly the brightest tube on the sunbed either."
I may not be an Einstein in theoretical insurance, but I'm a Mozart in improvisation.
Being a boss isn't a job for the spineless. A boss is like an alarm clock. Nobody wants one, everyone hates it, but without one everyone would just sleep in forever.
"My humor is democratic - it goes after everyone equally. Locals, foreigners, God, Buddha - couldn't care less."
"The food again is... In the Middle East they make bombs out of stuff like this!"
We are colleagues, not friends. It's not about doing each other's hair or getting our periods together.
Stromberg about himself: "I'm like a volcano. I can lie dormant for years, but one day I'll blow. And then everything on top is covered in my lava!"
Do you know any more funny Stromberg quotes and witty sayings? Bring them on, write a comment...